Dude my mom stole all your condoms
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
