if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
she is unbelievable! ever pee on a girl?
not while she was awake
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
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