I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
Sorry about my life...
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Randomize
