i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Randomize
