i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
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