sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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