Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
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