I'm fascinated by her cleavage. She has deep cleavage, but no obvious boobage to speak of. Check it out.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
