After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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