im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
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