I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
