my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
our cab driver is having phone sex.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
