I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
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