You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
Randomize
