I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
