i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
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