anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
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