I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
Randomize
