So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
Randomize
