I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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