I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
I did not marry a roomba.
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