two words: eviction party
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
Randomize
