Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Randomize
