You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
Pregaming class all semester has made this final review session more like my introduction to the topic.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
We left an ass print on the piano.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
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