I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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