I'm going to rape someone's good day.
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Randomize
