This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
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