I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
