Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
Randomize
