Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
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