She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
Randomize
