bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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