Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Randomize
