K got coke dick during a threesome with two strippers. Say no to drugs.
i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
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