rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
it's ok, no one ever died fom being sticky.
i've gotta research that and get back to you.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Randomize
