Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of j�ger and an empty bed here Friday.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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