I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
dude i have an english essay and a bio lab due tomorow
so basically your not goin out tonight?
who said that?
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
