I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
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