I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
I need a hoe opinion
go on
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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