so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Randomize
