allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
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