Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
i came on her dog
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
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