Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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