nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
yo dibs on the gosselin haired one.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Randomize
