"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
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