I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
we need to get ahold of those "sexting" teens on tyra. HAWT!
wasnt one 13?
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
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