I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
