ok, i just want to know who did it and which end it came out of
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
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