dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
Randomize
