i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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