oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
we're so committed to being not committed
Randomize
