its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
Randomize
