Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
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